Photo above is my student Kim taking in the majesty of the Banff mountains

I just completed my very first 9 day module of my 2 year graduate program with The School of Embodied Yoga Therapy in Ontario. It. Was. Awesome. And. I. Definitely. Chose. The. Right. School. For. Me.

Oh! We were all welcomed in the most warmest way from Anne and Cassi with candles, flowers, love, listening, silence, honoring the elements and deeply connecting us together for this 2 year journey of embodiment. We got to spend 3 days with Neil Pearson, Physical Therapist, Yoga Therapist and Yoga Pain Specialist. What an absolute wealth of knowledge, wisdom and compassion and to be able to connect with him in this small group setting was just divine. Others amazing yoga therapists taught us all about our lungs in the deepest and most creative way I have ever studied them before. Imagine your trachea as a tree trunk and your lung lobes with their little aioli sacs as the tree branches and leaves, it was the most beautiful image of breath I have ever seen. Then onto somatics which I loved, love, loved, loved. To connect to ones inner body and being in this way was just profound for me and I have already been sharing it with my clients this week and they love it too. Anne journeyed us through the most fascinating nervous system and of course a beautiful connection to the newer research on the polyvagel theory which is considered our social nervous system and so important now to the deeper understand of trauma healing for us. Cassi shared her love of the philosophy and Sanskrit history of yoga and she just amazed us at her ability to keep the whole week running so smoothly and seamlessly. We are cohort C at their school and in those first 9 days together we all connected deeper than I think we thought we would, pretty special indeed. We will learn so much from each other and we study and watch each other open into our own embodiments this first year and then will witness each other blossom into yoga therapists in that second year, what a gift. I so look forward to sharing more here as I work on my readings and papers and case studies, this school is a treasure for me in this lifetime.

Trauma and Grief Are Friendly
November 22, 2020

Today I began my third module of my yoga therapy graduate school program, where we meet for nine days. It was supposed to be in Ottawa, Canada but it's via zoom now, and they're all from Canada, and I'm the only one from the States so that's kind of fun. It's an incredible school called The School of Embodied Yoga Therapy. Everything is about being embodied, about stepping very deep into our souls, into our hearts, into our beings, into our past, to our present, to our future. It's a really powerful school, one that I waited a couple years to find on the national accredited list from the International Association of Yoga Therapists. When I started looking a few years ago there were only like 20 in the world, and now it's doubled to about 40 the last time I looked. It took me a couple years to find the right one because it's a huge time and money investment, and I really wanted it to be the right fit for me. Now that I’ve found it it's been quite incredible. I had my first module in May, before the boys got here, and it was a huge dive deep in. It felt like, “Can I do this? but how can I not do this?” It was the type of thing where you connect with something so deeply that's going to give you so much growth, and so much healing and so much deep awareness in your career. Then the next module came about two weeks after the boys arrived on June 28, which was just a tad overwhelming, as you can imagine. My sister Lynn has taught Waldorf and Montessori and works with Head Start now, so she is super well versed, and educated, and passionate about working with toddlers. Our twin boys are two and a half right now, so bless her heart, she was able to come for a week in July and support us. She taught us a lot and allowed me to be able to do my school. 

Now, in the third module, we’re in kind of an interesting different situation - our part-time nanny is in Costa Rica for a month, saying goodbye to her grandmother. It was such a beautiful opportunity to be with her family and so we're so happy she went, but we're kind of sitting with how to handle this now in terms of keeping ourselves balanced while I'm in school this whole week. So here we are in the third module. Each module of the program has a major theme, and this one is all about trauma. It's about grief. It's about walking into our shadow, and not being afraid of the dark. Last night was our opening night, and our assignment after was to walk outside and just be in the dark and sense into that, and feel, and see, and notice. We worked with this word interoception a lot today. It’s this ability to tap into how we are feeling this in our body, and this deeper and deeper awareness of going inside ourselves for these sensations that are held at a cellular level, in a muscle, a bone, as a feeling, as a thought, as a memory, and how we feel that, how we embody that, what that does to our breath, with our sense of movement, with our posture. I think it’s going to be a pretty potent week, working with that and starting this module of walking into the dark and facing trauma, sadness, grief and difficult memories, and my sister just having had a significant trauma, and helping support her with that right now. It's so real and right there, and then I've definitely had some quite significant traumas in my past and have done so much healing with them. It's so much a part of why I do these writings, and my weekly Facebook Lives, and my book, and my teaching, is because of my journey and how my journey has healed me and empowered me in ways I never thought possible. I just want to spread that love, and it feels like such a part of my soul's path in this lifetime to do that. 

Friendly with trauma and grief - what a title to this to this post here today, I wouldn't guess that many of you would put those words all together. I remember my teacher Iris speaking  years ago about sitting at a table and having tea with fear. Fear is an emotion that I work with quite a bit, so just imagine learning to sit at the table and have tea with her. There she is sitting across from me and we're both just having some delicious peppermint tea, and we're visiting. We're just seeing if we can be friends, if we can be soft with each other, if we can converse and maybe not run away from each other. It’s the same thing with trauma and grief. Are we able to let them be friendly? Because they, too, are a part of this fabric of our life. As my teacher Anne said today, most people have had trauma. It could be different levels of trauma but it's all relative. Just because one trauma seems big to you, it could be small to another and vice versa. Someone else's trauma might feel small relative to other traumas they've had, but for someone else that can be profound in their felt sense. There’s a real honoring and understanding of how relative it is from person to person. We’ve all experienced trauma and grief, therefore, you know the grief and the sadness and the processing has to follow the trauma, at some point, if we are to be whole again, if we are to live in this place of fullness and wholeness, that we all can, no matter what our previous journey has been. So just imagine for a moment, being friendly with trauma.  being friendly with fear. being friendly with sadness, and being friendly with grief. 

This is stirring me up, as does every module I do. It’s stirring up my traumas, stirring up my past, stirring up my grief. But I have this awareness of it being friendly, of it actually being something that has come along for my awakening, for my wisdom, for my learning. In my case, it's what's launched my whole career, in particular, with having so many views on my Facebook Lives. I did not at all anticipate being in the thousands as I just started stepping out there with my story. For some of us this becomes a part of our path in a way that we give back in such magnificent ways that we empower and heal ourselves on this journey, but then we empower and heal others, and it's such a gift. It's such a gift for me, which is kind of bizarre to say, but the traumas have been gifts. The grief has been gifts. The level of empathy I have now is something I don't think I ever in this lifetime thought I would experience in this way. And what it allows me to do as a yoga therapist and as a cranial sacral therapist, and now as a mother and a spouse to my soulmate, is pretty unbelievable, pretty magical, pretty amazing. 

As you pause to recognize the trauma, as you pause to recognize grief for yourself, what if these both are a piece of fabric in this quilt of your life? What if they're there to whisper to you a sweet message, an awakening of some sort, a life lesson, a deeper sense of self, a deeper sense of interoception, going into our bodies in this felt sense, in this awareness, this deep awareness of these different pieces along my path of traumas, or things that I have to grieve. Maybe I've chosen not to grieve yet. Perhaps I can open a window or I can crack the door open to some of my innate wisdom, some of your body's inner knowing space that this trauma has stepped you into to see more clearly, to see something you've not seen before yet, or that you may not see if this trauma hadn't happened. Then there’s the friendliness of grief. How can we meet grief with this perspective of, it's here to teach us, it's here to travel through, it's here to help us flow and help us connect deeper and deeper with ourselves. Remembering some of my traumas and my times of deep grief, life is so vivid for me now.  I am so grateful to be here. The beauty is that much more present. So notice the gifts are always there from the trauma, from the grief. How can you let them be friendly for you?

Interoception
November 23, 2020

I'm on the third day of the third module of my yoga therapy graduate program. It’s a two year program with The School of Embodied Yoga Therapy. Every module goes deeper and deeper, and I get to know my colleagues in the program at deeper and deeper levels. What drew me to the school was the embodiment piece, this awareness of how we are embodied, or I should say how disembodied we are, how often we are so disconnected from our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, any of these senses that we have in our body. Interoception is known as the sixth sense. So imagine how easy it is for most of us to be able to see, to hear, to taste. Most of us take it for granted, but there are these five senses right there for us. Then what's known as the sixth sense of interoception is this internal state of the body. What is it feeling like in your body? When someone says something to you, or you go through a specific experience, or you're in a certain season, it can be any variable that you can sit with and say, “how do I embody that?” How am I embodying this thought, this word, this comment that was just made about me?

One of our directors, Anne, is just fabulous about continuing to come back to embodiment, hence the title of the school, The School of Embodied Yoga Therapy. Anne is writing a book right now of how yoga therapists can resource themselves using this awareness of self care, but almost at a deeper level, in ways through breath, through a technique I call ground and fill - I'll talk about that on another post - how we resource ourselves so we’re able to go within and work with a certain thought, or work with a message, or work with a client that is sitting right across from us. All in all, she speaks to prevent burnout, which is common in many service fields, whether it be social work, or the medical field, or other fields where we're really trying to help people, trying to perhaps help them shift, and from a yoga perspective the shift is going to be from within. This interoception of how it feels inside yourself becomes this deep awareness that many of us don't have. I would say that it's innate. We’re born with this deep awareness, but it gets kind of shoved down for all kinds of reasons as we walk through our lives. So what takes us into this awareness of our internal state? What allows us to see, to step in and be aware? We need to practice, so Anne continues to ask us, “How does that feel in your body?” Any type of comment, any type of message, any type of fact given to us about yoga history, or cancer, or any topic, how does that feel? 

We did an exercise yesterday where they gave us 20 different photos and we had about a minute after each with no talking where we had to be in this interoception of ourselves, like what is this sixth sense feeling we have when we see this picture? One was of a human heart that has been taken out of someone and is waiting to be transplanted into someone else. So obviously, quite a visual for some of us. Another one was a puppy. One was of a couple laughing in the kitchen. One was of a mother in a third world country holding her child, and her arm was very damaged and wrapped up. One was an operating room. So we’re looking at these images and we’re sitting with this interoception, thinking about what’s happening inside of ourselves. Does it change our posture? Does it change our breath? Does it shift a thought? Does it bring an emotion? 

This internal state of the body can be both conscious and non-conscious. We can have this awareness of our inner state, or, what I think happens more often, is we’re not conscious of our inner state. Even for clients I’ve been working with for years, this interoception is a constant journey of going in, and being able to feel, being able to be curious, and wonder, and really visit the inside of ourselves.

What's coming through now for me is my right SI joint. I've been working with the alignment of my body with that joint and my scoliosis. I have a lot of poses and a lot of therapy from people over the years that can help me with the alignment of it. I remember seeing an orthopedist and having him look at my bone structure. So you can get all these different levels of awareness, and then the interoception is what is connected there for you. Is there a thought? Is there a memory? Is there a trauma, perhaps? It’s these different awarenesses inside the body that we might be aware of in this conscious state, or not so conscious of. For me, I experienced trauma in the past with my former husband, who was quite verbally abusive, and some other things that came along with a pretty unhealthy marriage and relationship with him for 15 years. So for quite some time, and right now even, I'm having this interoception, this awareness of wow, there's some pulling going on in my right hip, a little bit in my sacrum. I can feel it down my right leg a little, into my low back. So it took years of being conscious of fear in my body. I had fear around him. I had fear of leaving him. So for over a decade of my life this area of my body was giving me pain, and giving me discomfort, and I was confused about why this was happening. I was thinking it was all musculoskeletal, and then with this interoception I shifted, and started to realize how things touch you at cellular levels, emotional levels, thought and belief levels.

It's nice to be able to share that. It’s felt so much better since stepping away from that relationship. It's been 10 years now since I stepped away, so it's been quite some time, and now there's this awareness. There’s that interoception. How does that feel in your body? in this internal state of the body, our sixth sense. As we become more interoceptive we have this ability to witness ourselves, to step outside ourselves. This often happens with meditation too, which is pretty beautiful and quite a gift. We can witness with curiosity, and softness, and wonderment. As I say those words I feel my pelvis melting. I feel my legs softening. I feel my back opening into the couch I'm sitting on. I feel the soft blanket and the soft pillow. We have this ability to step in and be in this interoceptive place, or state of really seeing ourselves, and feeling into ourselves at these deeper levels. There’s this connectivity with thoughts, and beliefs, and emotions, and feelings, and memories, and traumas, as well as physical alignment awarenesses, or physical injuries, or physical traumas we've had. This is all so connected.

It's probably what drew me to this School of Embodied Yoga Therapy. It took me a few years to find them, but I’m so happy I waited, and am immersed in it so deeply now for a couple years, because we study things like this interoception, this sixth sense. What does something feel like in your body? Notice what position you're in here, if you're sitting, or standing, or lying. Just be in this very soft awareness place. Notice exactly what you're doing right now. What does it feel like in your body? Notice the thought you have now and what that feels like in your body. Or perhaps recognize a feeling, or one of the most powerful ones for me is our beliefs. Just notice a belief you have about yourself. What does that feel like in your body? Just be with this wonderment of interoception, our sixth sense, and the wisdom that this can give us as we go forward in our lives. 

Vulnerability
November 24, 2020

I don’t like the dictionary definition of vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. I just don’t think that’s such a positive way of looking at vulnerability. A definition that resonates much more with me is this: Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, and can be your greatest strength. Vulnerability is not winning or losing, it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Part of every module for our graduate yoga therapy program is to do what’s called a reflection. We reflect on the previous module, what we learned in that module, how that has maybe shifted us, or taken us on a new path, or how we're evolving, and how we're growing personally and professionally, from being in the school. The last module was all about vulnerability, and it started off with this quote from Maya Angelou - “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” One of our presenters, Naomi Sparrow, works with somatics, and I'm very intrigued with the work that she teaches us. The last module she talked about voice and heart, and how the heart is a truth teller, how it’s the vehicle of love and connection, and we have this ability to listen to our heart. It's telling the truth. It's going to speak if we let it speak, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, if we step into this place of courage, to show up to be seen, to let go of whatever the outcome might be. 

Then we also talked about koshas, which are these sheaths or layers of ourselves, that we go in and out of depending on where we are at any time of the day. There’s the body's physical layer, then our breath layer, our thoughts layer, and our emotions layer, all these different layers of awareness that we have that deepen when you work with yoga and meditation for years. Something that came up from the kosha studies was this question of, what do you wake up for each day? And asking yourself if you're willing to be vulnerable. Part of this school and what's been happening with me is this embodiment. We are inspiring others for them to follow and use their agency. We're supporting them for their own body's wisdom to take action in life from this inner knowing, and this inner wisdom. So with the kosha layers there’s this awareness of going deep into my feelings layer and my beliefs layer. It’s pretty powerful. As you go into these layers you start questioning some of these old beliefs. I questioned if I'm going to be vulnerable and allow my story to come out, and let it change others. That's a pretty big step to make, but I know that I'm empowering by telling my story. My whole goal is to empower others to tell theirs, so we can have this global change.

We also talk a lot about the ventral vagal system, which is part of the nervous system. I spoke about this a little bit in my Facebook Live titled “Washington Island with the Boys and Grace.” We’re going into this deeper and deeper study of the nervous system, and I remember my teacher saying to me, “Jill, I think you have to do this for your ventral vagal system,” which is our social engagement system. It’s this place where we are calm, and where we are soft, and where we're able to be peaceful. Of course, as we are humans, sometimes we're going to be stuck in the sympathetic and the parasympathetic, these other dorsal vagal places where we're frozen and paralyzed. We're going to be going in and out of these as well, but this ventral vagal is this place of deep knowing and space of groundedness. Know that you're able to come back to this place of knowing, and realize that if you're vulnerable it allows you to walk deeper and deeper into this knowing, versus if you're holding back. Have the courage to step in.

One of the women in the group sang a song for her reflection piece, and two of the lines really struck me. One was, “The voice that speaks inside, don't let it hide.” That is something I feel like I've been doing for a long time - hiding my voice in my little studio with my clients for all these years, and starting to step out a little bit with it on social media here and there for the last decade, but not really. I launched my new website a year ago and that definitely has stepped me into my vulnerability. I had to up my courage in terms of the things that I've been sharing on there. So now this voice is coming out, and it's not hiding anymore, and it's willing to step outside of my studio with my story, and share, and to empower others. The other line she had that stuck with me was, “Say the words that have always wanted to come out.” This brought me back to Maya Angelo's quote, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” My story has these different traumas and these different levels of awareness that I have come through. I’ve allowed myself to heal on such unbelievably deep levels, to feel whole again after going through two deaths, really, a death through my divorce and a death through severe depression.

Sharing our stories is quite vulnerable. It takes courage. It takes strength. But as in the second  definition I shared in the beginning, it can be our greatest strength. Brené Brown speaks brilliantly and beautifully about vulnerability in her latest book, Daring Greatly. I have to pull that back out myself because I feel like stepping into the school, stepping into this sharing of my story and being vulnerable is really about daring greatly.

This embodiment part of the title of this school is about lived experiences and how I use them to teach, how I feel them in my body, and the depth of what embodiment can bring to us in our life. This vulnerability today, and sharing of my reflection from the previous module is all about stepping into my embodiment, and how I step in deeply to myself, to feel what my heart is asking, what my body is asking, what my soul is asking. It’s about wanting to share my story, to empower others to share, so we can have this this overall healing, and hope, and trust, and wisdom going forward. The vulnerability this last 10 years has kept me from stepping into my words - here comes my book, here comes my new website, here comes my speaking and Facebook Lives, and now it’s just a yearning in my soul to come out. Now I want to speak about it and continue to respond to people through social media, to have this greater impact, and it's no longer words. It's becoming actions now. It's becoming real. The embodiment is coming out. The vulnerability has come to a place where it's time. It's time to fly now. 

It was really fun, as a part of today's reflection in front of my yoga therapy group, to share that after the first module I hired Eva, who is my business coach. Talk about empowering me, and helping me step into my heart, into my soul, into this deep vulnerability of going for it. This is what it's all about, and the time is now. Here we go! She's made this huge difference for me to step into who I really am and what I'm meant to do in this lifetime, on this earth. After the second module I hired Amber, my virtual assistant. There was such a soul and spirit connection with her, and in coming together and her saying, “We're going to work really well together.” I just felt like I've been looking for this for a while. So it's kind of interesting how I feel like I've been waiting for 10 years, for Eva, and for Amber, and for our paths to cross. Now it's time. It's time for the vulnerability to be met, to step into the courage and the strength, and to go for it. So now I feel like I have more of this container. I have the school around me, and that feels good professionally. I have Eva along this business coaching ride for me, and I’m believing in myself like I never have before. I have Amber at my side now, building even more of this container of support, wisdom, love, and this feeling that we can do this. She just had such beautiful words of, “you're not alone, we're in this together now,” and it's just so beautiful. It’s just so warming and so comforting to get words like that when you're stepping into this really vulnerable place. I'm really really stepping out there now.

The last piece of our reflection for each module is a type of art therapy. The first module they sent us these beautiful bamboo needles, and I got this gorgeous purple yarn, and we all learned how to knit together. We reflected on how we embodied that, the frustration or the joy, and how we supported each other through it. The last module we did felting. We were able to make this little purse or just a flat piece to hang on the wall, and we embodied that. What happens when we're frustrated? What happens when it works great and we love how it turns out? We just reflected on these ways that we embody when we do art therapy. This one we're going to be doing oil painting, which is so beautiful. We got this oil paint with four nice, white sheets to work off of, and my color was blue. Blue is the throat chakra. It’s all about the voice, and speaking from your heart, from your soul, and really letting yourself walk your unique given path. Don't be afraid to step into your vulnerable places. Let them serve you. Let them fill you, and watch where they take you.