There's always a heavy and light to anything. The lightness of hiding is that there's a break from the normal day-to-day, and then the heaviness is that you can internalize what might be happening on the outside. As my teacher Anne says, "This is not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it." We're going to do big things in the world, and that's pretty clear, but it's not going to be easy.
Those of you reading this that have worked with depression, and particularly severe depression, or if you've been hospitalized as I have been, you probably can relate. There are many different faces of depression. It's easy to not really notice, want to feel, and acknowledge what's coming through and what's happening. It's quite a journey, and it can definitely be scary, and when you feel those emotions coming through, there is that sense of hiding. The face of hiding is when it's easy to hide, when you're feeling heavy, when you're feeling kind of messy and sticky and stuck inside. Any type of immersion into school or therapy programs or anything will always have you diving in deeper. The diving is going to continue stirrings that are going to happen, so we say, "It's not for the weak of heart, that's for sure."
As you read this, just recognize if you or a loved one are feeling this hiding face of depression, where they're afraid to speak about it, afraid to write about it, or afraid to dive deeper into it. I'm coming off of the halfway point of my yoga therapy graduate school. For the past nine days, I've been intensely studying and immersing in so many different topics in school. There's a connection to the students and a deep connection with the teacher. And then there's life outside the school, which I kind of felt like I was hiding from this week. Hiding from the public a little, but at the same time, there's a healthy piece to this. Taking a break from social media and a break from really launching myself out to the world with my story for empowerment and global healing to happen. Some of the hiding that's happened to me this morning is not wanting to eat. That's not uncommon with depression, where I haven't eaten breakfast yet. It's 10:25, and my family ate breakfast a couple of hours ago.
I've been pretty stirred up this week. We studied pelvic floor work, which has a lot to do with people who have had sexual abuse, and that's part of my journey that I'm only in the very beginnings of starting to speak about. I felt nervous about what was going to come up and what was coming through. I wondered if it would come through me in a safe way and if I could handle it. I attended a breakout room with my teacher Anne Pitman. She was able to really be with me for a full hour. I was able to really process all of what has been coming through. I was in this place of awareness of hiding and how stepping out into the world is inevitable. This is my soul's work, and there are no questions about any of it. Speaking from my personal experience of working with some hiding right now and stepping into that, I can feel it in my solar plexus, in my belly energy circle.
There are some fascinating studies and works and exercises and lectures about internalizing or a holding that can happen in our spine, in our hips, our psoas muscle, and in our SI joint. It stirs me personally and lets me think about the clients that I'm working with now, future clients, and how I can help them, empower them to heal so, they don't have to continue to suffer.
I think I've been hiding for a long time. Some of you working with depression can probably relate to that. This hiding is not uncommon. Then, all of a sudden, there's this stepping out that happens. I think I was feeling both hiding and stepping out. Anne and I were talking about the loneliness that can come with this. She held me and held that space for me to be in hiding and process the fears, joys, excitement, and all the different pieces that come with going through this school and really stepping out in the world. I was able to come out of hiding after being able to process through all of that, leaning into it, letting her relate with me, and feeling her authenticity. As yoga therapists in the world, that is just so important for us to hold this space, to be able to do this, which includes resourcing ourselves. So at times, we really need to take time to what can seem like hiding where I step away from social media for a while, and I just step away from the public for a little bit and trust the process.
Guides help you move along and come out of the hiding when you're ready. I am so grateful for my guides. They really help with the hiding. For you, these guides could be therapists, friends, they could be a yoga teacher, people that help you. My guides are my business coach Eva and my assistant Amber. For me, being able to share openly now, I feel my belly softening. I feel myself releasing through my temples and my forehead, and I had this nice sigh before I started to write this post. I just allowed myself to walk into the hiding and speak about the hiding and that it's okay. It's okay to have these many faces, this being one of them, acknowledging it and learning to be gentle and loving with this part. So as I went through the week, things are stirring from some of this pelvic floor work and then also deeper into musculoskeletal injuries and again as we treat the whole person just the awarenesses of what is held along our spine.
We're in the fullness of life. I'm honoring this hiding face of depression today, really honoring myself and allowing this face to be present, to be heard, to be seen, and to be acknowledged. The emotions have come through, and I've been able to do some shifting. Just let yourself be in this place of whatever your face of depression might look like today for you. If you have a fish tank, or if you can take a walk in nature, or just sit and stare out the window, and just gaze, and kind of daydream a little bit. I'm leaning into this now. I'm coming out of the hiding a little bit. I'm feeling ready to warm up my oatmeal and warm-up french toast that Christopher made this morning.
For you, notice what needs to be heard in you today, what needs to be seen? What do you need to have acknowledged and note what might do that for you. Maybe it's your loving partner, perhaps it's a close friend; maybe it's an appointment that you make with a therapist. Even just making the appointment can give us a shift. Only you know. Even if it's a week or two out, just setting the appointment can give us a little shift. So, notice what it might be for you today and if you can take a small step to help yourself.
Now, I'm about to take a bath, which is so healing and so loving and comforting for me. It's fascinating that with yoga therapy, we keep coming back around to this circle and awareness that we are here for the whole person. We are here to sit and hold space, create space, be the space for our clients to come in either a group setting or in an individual one-on-one setting. We hold that space to see all of them and all their faces. So, if the hiding is there, the hiding is okay. We are open to it and come to a place of acknowledging that in them and this place of acceptance for them.